Apologising

Saying the word ‘sorry’ is of course easy.  However to apologise assertively, in a way that is effective and appropriate to the situation, is more difficult. 

This is a complex skill and as I have said before, it is important to remember that to be assertive, a child or an adult will need to have relatively good non verbal and verbal skills.   So, if you are unsure whether the child or adult with whom you are working with can cope with this work, then return to your assessment and check whether they have good or adequate non verbal and verbal skills to enable them to succeed with this more complicated work (see issue 4). 

Introducing the topic of apologising

Modelling inappropriate and appropriate apologies

Group leaders could role play bad and good apologising.  The group then discuss what the rules for apologising are.  Possible scenarios to model and then discuss might include:

• Apologising when there is no need - you have not done anything wrong
• Delay the apology so that it doesn’t seem genuine
• An apology that goes on and on and is over the top
• An apology but no expression of regret
• Poor body language
• Poor tone of voice and not sounding sorry
• Saying sorry and then repeating the behaviour

The Talkabout DVD

The children could watch the Talkabout DVD (scenario 39).  In this scenario, a woman needs to apologise for her behaviour the previous night when she was rude to her friend about her weight.  In the first scene she receives a phone call and apologises inappropriately by continuing to be critical of her friend and offering advice about dieting.  In the second scene she initiates the call and apologises both appropriately and assertively.

Real life situations / examples

Ask the children to think about when they have had to apologise and tell the group how they did it.  You could ask them to keep a diary for a week and think about the times that they have had to apologise. 

Teaching the seven steps to apologising

There are seven steps to apologising effectively and these need to be talked about with the children (taken from Talkabout for Teenagers, 2009):

1. Stop and check
2. Make it quick
3. Keep it short and simple
4. Express the 3 Rs
5. Look and sound sincere
6. Try not to repeat the mistake
7. Do something nice

	1. Stop and check This first step will mean helping children to stop and think about the situation. Do they need to apologise? Have they done something wrong? This first step is obviously vital as the way we apologise has to be appropriate to the situation and we need to take a second before we respond.
	2. Make it quick The second step is to make it quick. It is always better to apologise sooner rather than later.
	3. Keep it short and simple The third step is to keep the apology short and simple. If the apology goes on for too long, it will seem insincere. Ask the children to think of how they might apologise in specific situations.
	4. Express the 3 Rs The fourth step is to express the 3 Rs: Regret - they need to express regret Responsibility - they should take responsibility Remedy - they should be willing to remedy their actions
	5. Look and sound sincere The fifth step is to remember to look and sound sincere. This means in particular to have good eye contact and good intonation. So, it’s important to recap on eye contact and intonation at this point.
	6. Try not to repeat the mistake The sixth step is about learning from mistakes and to think about how they are going to avoid making the same mistake again.
	7. Do something nice The final step is to consider if it is appropriate to do something nice to make it up to the person. Of course, they may need to wait until they have been forgiven.

To help the children practise these skills it is always a good idea to offer them the opportunity to role play situations for themselves.  Ideally, these would be situations that they can relate to and have perhaps already experienced, but you could also start off with a few made up situations. 

These could include:

Situations for discussion and role play

1. Your homework was due in today and you have left it at home.
2. Your friend lent you a DVD and your baby brother broke it.
3. You had agreed to babysit for your neighbours on Saturday but you had forgotten that your parents have arranged to take you to see some relatives for the whole weekend.
4. You were upset yesterday following an argument with your parents.  You were then mean to your friend on the bus and went and sat on your own.
5. You have just tripped up on your friend’s bag and spilt your juice all over her work.

So, hopefully that has given you a few ideas on how you could tackle teaching someone how to apologise assertively. 

In the next issue we have a last look at assertiveness and think about how we can bring it all together for the children.  

Alex Kelly
Speech & language therapist and social skills consultant www.alexkelly.biz

 

Alex Kelly is the author of Speechmark's best selling Talkabout series.

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See the Talkabout online assessment tool at www.alexkelly.biz