Refusing

Of course, children learn to say ‘no’ very early on in their development but we are teaching something more here.  

We are teaching children how to refuse assertively - that is effectively and appropriately to the situation.  This is a complex skill and as I said in the last issue, it is important to remember that to be assertive, a child or adult will need to have relatively good non verbal and verbal skills. 

So if you are unsure whether the child or adult you are working with can cope with this work, then go back to your assessment and check that they have good or adequate non verbal and verbal skills to enable them to succeed with this more complicated work (see issue 4). 

Introducing the topic of refusing

The refusing game

This is an activity where children are seated in a circle and the group leader, without any explanation, asks one student to do something, e.g. ‘Mark, go and stand by the window’.  The leader then turns to the next child and asks them to ‘stand and face the wall’ etc. 

These requests could become more unusual as they progress, e.g. ‘get the wastepaper bin and put it on your lap’.  If at any point a child refuses, the leader just moves onto the next child without any comment. 

At the end of the activity, ask the children why they agreed to do what they had been asked.  Did anyone want to say no?  How could they have done it?

Modelling of inappropriate and appropriate refusing

You could watch the Talkabout DVD scenario 36.  In this situation, a teenager, Leah, refuses a cigarette from another school friend in a passive, then aggressive, and finally an assertive manner. 

If you do not have this DVD, then you could model different scenarios for the children to watch and discuss.  Ideas to consider in modelling:

• Passive versus aggressive versus assertive
• Scenarios where refusing needs to be polite with possibly an apology, for example a reasonable request
• Scenarios where refusing needs to be more direct with no apology, for example an unreasonable request

Real life situations / examples

Ask the children to think about when they have had to say no and how they did it.  You could ask them to keep a diary for a week and think about the times that were maybe difficult to say no. 

Teaching the six steps to refusal

There are 6 steps to refusing effectively and these need to be talked about with the children (taken from Talkabout for Teenagers, 2009):

1. Stop
This first step will mean helping children to stop and think about the situation.  What is being asked of them?  Is it a reasonable request or an unreasonable one?  Do they have a choice? 

This first step is obviously vital as the way we refuse has to be appropriate to the situation and we need to take a second before we respond.

2. Say ‘no’
The second step is to say ‘no’.  Ideally ‘no’ should be the first thing you say and then you move onto steps 3 and 4.

3. Keep it simple
The third step is to keep your refusal simple and brief. 

You should try and give a reason in a short and simple way and you should be prepared to repeat it if necessary.

Ask the children to think of ways they can say ‘no’ in specific situations.

4. Don’t apologise
The fourth step is to consider whether you need to apologise. 

It is important to remember that you have the right to say ‘no’ if it is appropriate and that you mostly do not need to apologise for this. In some situations, it may be more polite to apologise but on the whole, it is not a necessary part of refusing.

5. Remember your body language
The fifth step is to remember your body language.

In particular an assertive person who is refusing will look at the other person and may not smile so it’s important to recap on facial expression and eye contact.

6. Remember to respect the other person
This final point is about helping children remember that they are not responsible for the other person’s behaviour but that they should try to remain respectful at all times.

To help the children practise these skills it is always a good idea to offer them opportunity to watch group leaders model different scenarios and then to role play situations for themselves. 

Ideally, this would be situations that they can relate to and maybe have already experienced, but you could also start off with a few made up situations.  These could include:

Situations for discussion and role play

1. A class mate has asked you to lie to the teacher about something.
2. A friend has asked if they can copy your homework again.
3. Your neighbour has asked you to babysit next Saturday but you have plans.
4. An older child has asked you for your dinner money.
5. Your sister has asked if she can borrow your iPod.

So hopefully that has given you a few ideas on how you could tackle teaching someone to be able to refuse assertively. 

In the next issue we will take another assertiveness skill - apologising.   

Alex Kelly
Speech & language therapist and social skills consultant www.alexkelly.biz

Alex Kelly is the author of Speechmark's best selling Talkabout series.

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