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Introducing Assertiveness
It is important to remember that to be assertive, a child will need to have relatively good non verbal and verbal skills, otherwise you are potentially setting them up to fail.
To teach a child to be assertive, you will be recapping on the work they have done on their body language, the way they say things and their verbal skills, and then using these strengths to learn the skill of being assertive.
If you are unsure whether your child can cope with this work, then go back to your assessment and check that they have good or adequate non verbal and verbal skills to enable them to succeed with this more complicated work (see issue 4).
Here are a few activities to help introduce assertiveness:
The assertiveness scale
I will usually introduce the topic of assertiveness through an assertiveness scale.
Explain to the children that sometimes we are passive and sometimes we are aggressive and we can think of our behaviour in terms of a scale (see below).
You could use pretend scenarios or real ones to help the children consider whether people were acting in a passive, assertive or aggressive manner. Ask the child where they see themselves on the scale most of the time?
Please click here for a PDF of the activites to print for handouts.
Modelling passive, aggressive and assertive behaviour
I will often then use video to help demonstrate these behaviours. You could use Scenario 32 of the Talkabout DVD which has 2 different scenarios both showing a passive, aggressive and assertive response to a situation.
If you do not have the Talkabout DVD, then you could either use scenes from a television programme or you could model situations yourself.
Group discussion would include:
Passive/aggressive behaviour:
what it means to be passive/aggressive – what do people look like, sound like, act like? What is the result? The children could then think about times they were passive / aggressive and consider what they could have done to be more assertive.
Assertive behaviour:
what does it mean to be assertive? (as above)
These first two activities will help children build up a good picture of the differences between passive, assertive and aggressive behaviour which is summarised below (taken from Talkabout for Teenagers, 2009)
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Passive
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Assertive
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Aggressive
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Their style
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- I lose, you win
- Not expressing their needs or feelings
- Puts self down – doesn’t value self
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- I win, you win
- Honest, open and direct
- Listens to others’ opinions
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- I win, you lose
- Domineers and insists
- Doesn’t listen to others
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What you see
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- Small posture - hunched
- Little eye contact
- Voice is quiet and hesitant
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- Upright and balanced posture
- Steady eye contact
- Voice is clear and easy to hear
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- Tense posture
- Pointing, clenched fists
- Interrupts with loud voice
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What you hear
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- ‘Sorry…’
- ‘I can’t seem to…’
- ‘I expect that’s my fault’
- ‘It’s only my opinion…’
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- ‘I…’
- ‘I believe / need / feel’
- ‘No…’
- Open questions
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- ‘You…’
- ‘That’s your problem, not mine’
- ‘You can’t be serious’
- ‘You owe me’
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What is the result
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- They do not respond to hurtful situations
- They allow problems to continue
- They may have an explosive outburst when they can’t take any more
- They then feel guilty and confused so return to being passive
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- They respect others’ opinions and listen respectfully
- They are confident about who they are
- They realise it is important to speak honestly
- They address issues as they arise
- They take the responsibility for their own happiness
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- They dominate others and control them by either abusing them or sabotaging a situation
- They criticise and blame others to make themselves feel better
- They become alienated from others
- They never mature
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Please click here for a PDF of the activites to print for handouts.
What is assertiveness?
Having agreed through the previous activities what assertive people look like and sound like, the group could then brainstorm what it is that assertive people are able to do.
The following skills should be included:
Assertiveness is…
being able to stand up for ourselves and…
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Tell people how we feel
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Make suggestions
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Disagree with others
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Say ‘no’ without feeling guilty
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Say sorry
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Request an explanation or ask for something |
So hopefully that has given you a few ideas on how you could tackle introducing assertiveness.
In the next few issues we will take a couple of these assertiveness skills and consider how you would teach them using games, worksheets and role play.
Please click here for a PDF of the activites to print for handouts.
Alex Kelly
Speech & language therapist and social skills consultant www.alexkelly.biz
Alex Kelly is the author of Speechmark's best selling Talkabout series.
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See the Talkabout online assessment tool at www.alexkelly.biz
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